Breaking the Silence

I just don’t know what to say. Or how to say it. It is not that I don’t have anything to say anymore. I just don’t know how to put it in words.
We won. We’re home. Cole’s cancer free again. Everything is good now right?
Yes, and no.
… I didn’t realize how much was taken until I had to put it all back together. I didn’t anticipate the constant fear. The absolute disorientation. The sadness and anger. The inability to connect. The never-ending tears. (I thought I’d cried a lifetime’s worth already.)
And I didn’t expect the constant guilt I’d feel for feeling anything but happy and grateful. Or the shame for not being “okay”. Especially as I continue to watch so many suffering and know we are the lucky ones.
I AM happy and grateful that Cole is cancer free and off treatment. But that doesn’t make the rubble that is ‘what was our life’ any easier to sift through. It doesn’t make figuring out who I am supposed to be when who I WAS got whacked over the head and transformed into a “cancer” mom. Now the context of that person I was before no longer exists and the cancer is gone too. Now what? Get a life? A job? A hobby? What if I can barely function outside of “survival mode”? Until this moment I haven’t even been able to find the words to write about where we’ve been. Can’t even begin to think about where we’re going. The best I can do today is try to share where I am in the present moment.
Just like every rocky, rough patch, every peak and every valley on this long long road has been temporary, I know this place I’m at today is too. But today, I am not okay.
This is what winning looks like for me.



2 thoughts on “Breaking the Silence

  1. Christine

    Wow. I cannot imagine what u are feeling. My brain wont let me go there. To be able to say those words, feel the possibilities – I think I dont dare go there. Because I would be afraid that it would all be taken from me again so I sit in my protected shell and put my smile on and pretend…I cannot let me guard down. It is the way I cope. So so pleased you are in that space.. Enjoy that peace.

  2. Leila McKinnon

    It will get even better Laura. It is necessary to do just what you are doing…staying in the moment. Yes, things have changed, don’t rush to get a hobby, a new job, or any of those things, just rest for the moment in the change.

    You are a wonderful (full of wonders) Mom, not a ‘cancer mom’, just a wonderful, loving Mom. I for one, feel blessed knowing you. When I think of the definition of the word MOM, my Kelly and you Laura, are the pictures next to that word in the dictionary of my heart.

    So take some time, enjoy the change…and let’s get together sometime so I can hug you in person. Even with this lovely news, I shall continue to wrap you and Cole in love and prayer.

    with love Grandma Leila Hayden’s and Hallie’s grandmother


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